Do I wake or sleep?

The Public is doing The Merchant of Venice and The Winter's Tale in rep this summer! I don't think I've ever seen Merchant on stage--yay! So excited to see me some free quality Shakespeare! I love summer in the city! As a follow up to the Lovestreet/Julie drammer--apparently Lori had also heard from Catherine a while ago that Julie wanted to fire me. She, like me, wasn't sure if Catherine had mixed me up with someone else but if that someone else wasn't Lori (who also had long blonde hair--she's the only person with whom Catherine might've confused me, there weren't that many women in the cast), I don't know who it could've been. Lori said she didn't tell me because she thought it was ludicrous but after I'd emailed her she began thinking of it again, saying "I think Julie was completely and utterly intimidated by you...While she was mucking up the role of Lady M, she was likely aware that you were aware of how badly she was mucking it up in rehearsals." Hmmm. The whole thing is literally inexplicable barring a conversation with Julie and frankly, I don't care that much. I certainly do feel as though I've dodged a bullet though! I can safely say that a good part of the cast would've walked if she'd tried to fire me for no reason. I mean--no reason! I still can't figure it out, I'd saved her ass so many times. Really, she's that insecure? What a weirdo!

Anya and I went over to Tesse's last night to watch the People's Court. Oh. Mah. Lord. Julie does NOT come off particularly well in this and actually a part of me (a small part) felt kind of bad for her, she seemed...vulnerable. She walked in, smiled (!) at the court spectators as though it were an audition or something and then as Rachel said seemed very confused about where to stand. Catherine and Michael, our stage manager, came in and Catherine just seemed more believable and authoritative from the start. Julie blamed the lack of cohesiveness in the show on Catherine, laid it all at her feet, was saying the show wasn't ready to go up, and she didn't want to be associated with a bad show. (Julie has always been very concerned about that sort of thing--you'd think someone who is so self-conscious would avoid casting themselves in roles for which they're way too old, like Hermione and Andromache.) Here's the deal--right before the plug was pulled, the show was very underblocked, and I was a little worried, I couldn't understand why we were still going so slowly. Catherine seemed to like readthroughs a lot--that's all fine and good, but when we're two weeks from opening, we need some blocking. And readthroughs are just a first step, we had done no text analysis, VERY important with the witches. (Especially since they'd cut the crap out of it--I started calling it Macb--. Why do people always want to cut Macbeth? It's the shortest of the tragedies as it is, guys! Why would you want to cut any of that spooky shit? The only thing you should cut is that stupid Hecate scene which Will didn't even write, and which adds nothing.)

However, the things that were good, were really good. David, our Macbeth, was terrific--God, was he good. During the readthroughs I would just watch him, and when he killed young Siward and sneered "Thou wast of woman born"....brrr! So good. He was so good, he made her better, and as I've said, Lady Macbeth is a character who is fundamentally, in every way, Julie's complete opposite, and she's not a good enough actress to play someone so different. But still David was pulling her along. The fights were good. Most of the rest of the cast was good (there was one weird dude who played the Porter who I couldn't stand, kept making these weird familiar remarks to me and Lori and Michelle. Naturally he's the one person who sided with Julie). As underblocked as the show was, we still had TEN DAYS left, plenty of time for a well-cast show to fall into place. So maybe Catherine wasn't quite as on top of things as she could've been--but ultimately that is Julie's responsibility as Producer. She should've kept a firm hand at the reins, especially after she'd fired the first director, her weird friend Lew. Listening to her blame Catherine for everything was frustrating--Julie, I've produced. I know what it's like. The buck stops with you. The director is there to direct, but ultimately you're what holds the show together.

So the judge ruled for Catherine--the amount was a little odd, I guess at first Catherine had filed for a smaller amount (like $150 or so), then the judge let her adjust it to a larger amount (the full amount of her negotiated director's fee, $450 or something). Catherine also sought reimbursement for the money she'd paid out for rehearsal space--you could tell the judge wanted to give her that but she didn't have any paperwork or emails to back it up, so she just got the $450.

What the hell was Julie thinking? I mean, it was tacky enough to yank the production but to stiff everyone? She claimed that everyone else had been paid, including the actors--uh, no we didn't! I just don't get why she went through all of this. Just pay the money. What you did was really, really poor form--you're just compounding it by being so cheap. Just pay the money. Afterward when they interviewed her, she said she thought it "wasn't right" that Michael, who is suing her separately, should be allowed to testify. What? Just stop it, Julie. The interviewer tried to get her to declaim some Lady Macbeth but she wouldn't. (GOD, would that have been comedy gold!) When Michael and Catherine came out, Michael made a point of saying the production had been remounted a few months later with "a lot of the same cast" (the production at the Workshop Theatre) and it was very good.

At our chocolate-infused convo on Saturday, Michelle and Lori also mentioned something I hadn't known before--Julie's cancellation of Macbeth had nothing to do with money, or any sort of health or family emergency or anything like that. Are you ready for this?

She said she wasn't going to put on a show where she looked bad, where she gave a bad performance.

Yep, you heard it here, folks. It was All. About. Julie. Juliejuliejulie. She spit on the hard work, love and dedication of some 20+ performers, techs, a director, etc. All because she was going to look bad,* in the part she cast herself in (and hadn't learned the lines for yet).

And by the way, this was all confirmed by Michael, our SM. I had a long, illuminating convo with him last night. He also said that the theater is FULLY PAID FOR--so she didn't save any money by cancelling the show. She paid thousands of dollars for an empty theater, plus she still has to pay the director, the fight choreographer, the photographer, etc. She is committed to ALL of that expense. And she still cancelled the show. My mind was reeling--in fact, I was literally reeling when Michelle and Lori repeated what Julie had given as her reason. I stood up in my chair and said "Wait, wait--you're telling me this whole mess was about her performance?" I was jumpstumbling backward, waving my hands, so angry I couldn't speak for a few seconds. After Wednesday, I didn't think I could get any angrier--I was wrong.

*Michael said they'd had a photo shoot Tuesday, the night before the boom fell, and it was weird. Julie, in the photos as Lady Macbeth, insisted on looking "pretty." Insisted on it, got very upset when Catherine said that wasn't as important as, you know, communicating the essence of the play. Julie is really messed up about looks--Tracy and I also joke about how Julie would fawn on me and talk about my looks in this weird, you-look-like-the-classic-shiksa-so-by-definition-you-MUST-be-beautiful way. I don't mean *I* think that--I think *Julie* thinks that, I think she has the classic self-hating Jewish stereotype going on. Last fall she talked about wanting to convert to Episcopalianism. Not because she has any particular pull towards it--I don't think she has the slightest clue of what our belief system entails. She wanted to convert because Episcopalianism treats women well. She thought Judaism devalues Jewish women and seems to exalt shiksa women (HER words, NOT mine)--she gave as an example the fact that at her temple, she keeps seeing Jewish men with non-Jewish wives. I didn't even know how to respond to this, especially because I get this sense she thinks of my denomination as one big country club where the Beautiful People all sit around and sip martinis and eating pate. Julie, there are actually some beliefs involved, and it would be nice if you wanted to join us because you too believe in them. It sucks if you feel devalued where you worship, but I don't necessarily think that has anything to do with Judaism per se. Tracy hit it on the head when she said mockingly "Oh Clara, if I convert to Episcopalianism, will I look just like you?"

And of course, Julie still hasn't contacted any of us individually since that glib email she sent out Wednesday. Hasn't apologized, hasn't tried to explain (not as though she could), hasn't sent us checks to cover our expenses (although she will have to do that for the Equity actors, at least). Michael said when he called Clare Patterson (our sweet little Baby Macduff/Fleance), she was completely crushed; she said "this was my first New York show..."

I can't say I hate Julie. I will say, I have nothing but contempt for her now, and I have no sympathy for her writhing mass of insecurities and weakness and...garbage.

But--this too shall pass. I have other plans; Macbeth will go on.

I had an old pumpkin in my freezer from last fall that I froze, planning eventually to process it into puree. I meant to do it earlier this winter, but finally got around to it tonight! I defrosted, chopped, blended and poured, and now I have 5 neat little 1.25 cups of puree suitable for making pumpkin bread or pie. (Or pumpkins Alexander!) Yes, it's out of season but who doesn't love pumpkin pie any time of year?

Now I have to look over my Macbeth scenes for tomorrow (first working rehearsal). No rest for the weary...jumping from New York in 1830 to murderous murderous Scotland...(or Alba--I wonder if the characters in Macbeth spoke any Gaelic?)

Julie sent me an email--her production of The Trojan Women has been accepted by the Hudson Valley Fringe Festival, and she wants me to be in it. The problem is the schedule: performances are weekends beginning July 9, running for 4-6 weeks. Plus she wants to do a venue in the city. This means, of course, I would not be able to direct/produce Midsummer this summer--I simply couldn't handle that kind of work load, and I think the scheduling difficulties would be too difficult.

She wants me to play Helen. I'm going to do it, because it's another classical credit and because, well, I'll be playing Helen of Troy. But I hate putting off Midsummer AGAIN.

On the other hand, with Artemis's competing production, maybe it's for the best.

And I would like to have SOME fun this summer. Last summer was a LOT of work, between the move and AYLI.

No rehearsal tonight, thank God. Last night after work I met the rest of them at Ripley-Grier and we went over scenes. I'd bought roses and a card for Julie's birthday, and surreptitiously got the others to sign the card.

Afterward Julie, Tracy and I went to a place near my apartment called Zuni's for a drink. It has a nice warm brightly colored interior and there was a jazz band playing. We took a booth near the back and chatted--I had two margaritas and, shamefully (in light of my need to stay skinny this week), a plate of quesadillas. I hadn't had dinner, though, and I worked out a bit after I got home.

Tonight, just restfulness. TV, knitting, quiet time with HIH Tatiana (who woke me up again, sprawled on my chest as I gasped for breath. Doodness, the Kitties of Life are just bad).

A very interesting rehearsal today. As in the Chinese curse "May you live in interesting times." Susan McCallum, the actress who's been playing the Nurse in R&J, Emilia in Othello, the Countess in All's Well That Ends Well, and a couple of other roles....flipped out. Completely lost it, as in she is fired, she will not be back, and she vomited her magazine rack of issues onto all of us in the process. We had a runthrough for time starting at the top of rehearsal, which naturally was slowed down because instead of holding her script in her hand, which was allowed and which would've facilitated Julie's estimation of the show for time, she sweated every line out and every scene of hers took forever. Then she made a big fuss of pulling Julie aside and asking her to ask us not to knit or go over our lines or basically do anything other than sit there blankly. It was just all too distracting. (And all this while the studio above us was apparently sponsoring a WWF match with elephants, because the banging and the noise above us was unbelievable. Yes, really. It even distracted me, and I have the concentration of a diamond cutter. Well, except during sex. But I digress...)

Anyway, after the runthrough Julie was saying she needed to schedule a Monday night rehearsal and Useless Actress flipped out. "I have an acting class!" Julie asked if she could change it or whatever, and Useless goes off on this unbelievable tangent about how she hasn't gotten what she's needed and the rest of us were ignorant and unprofessional and how Julie was a terrible director and...the level of anger was insane. I honestly thought she needed medication of some kind. I started smiling at one point and she started screaming at me and I said "I've never worked with anyone who needs the kind of hand-holding you do. And that's really your problem--you need to improve your concentration." Oh my God. Screaming. "You think I'm not good enough!!" "No--I think you need to improve your concentration. It's a skill, like any other." Screaming, insults, nasty remarks. She started going off on one of our younger actress who has a tendency to pull upstage, with which I deal very directly and immediately by literally yanking her downstage in our Twelfth Night scene. But see, that's too direct and proactive for Susan. She lets it build and then exploded at poor Tracy, saying she will NOT be upstaged and how DARE someone try to upstage her by forcing her to say her lines to upstage. Apparently Tracy committed to mortal sin of doing her warmups in the rehearsal space!!!! In front of Susan!! I know, the hubris! Apparently this offended Susan somehow, and threw her off, and God knows we can't have THAT happen. Because you know, she's so rock-bottom solid otherwise.

(Just to give y'all some context, Susan has consistently sucked on her lines for awhile now. She is a decent actress, and I'm sorry she flipped out and therefore got fired, but her work as the Nurse pretty much sucked. The Nurse's whole monologue just stymied her--honey, it's just not that difficult. The Nurse is a flake and is rambling about a minor incident in Juliet's infancy. Stop over-motivating shit. Maybe she was learning disabled or something--she didn't get very basic, simple things about Shakespeare, and human nature. Maybe you DO need that acting class.)

Drinks. Several drinks afterward. She's fired, and will not be rehired, and I felt terrible for Julie. This person's anger was just so out of proportion--she kept screaming--I think there was a lot going on there, like pathologically low self-esteem and possibly substance abuse. Julie's taking over most of her stuff, including the Nurse scenes (although we're cutting one). Julie pointed out after how flushed I was--I looked in the mirror and my chest and neck were bright red. Julie said she thought I was having a heart attack. It's funny, because as angry as I was, I dealt with this psycho c---'s yelling at us fairly calmly. I didn't even get mad until after she'd left. Huh. Flushed red chest while maintaining a level voice--my WASP heritage. Ve vill stay calm!!

Fucking loser actors. So many of us are so pathetic. Leave your issues at home--learn your lines and hit your marks, or don't take the job. Fucking losers.

My knee looks bad--it's considerably swollen. I have no idea what happened but I'm putting ice on it for awhile. Julie let me go early from rehearsal, as I was gimping around the studio feeling like Tiny Tim, so I can kick back and rest for a little while.

They caught Saddam Hussein! I wanted to post this earlier today (news junkie that I am, I'd turned on CNN when I first got up) but again, my internet access didn't work. But only this morning--I was able to get on just now. Weird.

Duncan's party was lots of fun. I really wish I'd gotten there earlier--I'd intended to leave my apartment by 9:00 at the latest but Susan called and delayed me for a bit. I got there around 11:00 and then left around 2:00 which wasn't enough fun. But Susan was going back on the PATH and I wanted to go with her.

God, my knee is hurting.

Just saw Shattered Glass with Dawn. I liked it. I thought its portrayal of The New Republic workplace seemed dead-on (and found out later Chuck Lane, portrayed in the movie, was a consultant). Larry is a contributing writer for TNR so I will HAVE to talk to him about this, since he knew Michael Kelly, who was killed in Iraq this spring--I remember the news stories when that happened. Hayden Christenson's performance seemed a little too smarmy for me but I have a pretty sensitive bullshit detector and someone like Glass would've tripped it immediately. And of course I know the ending. But yay him for escaping the Star Wars curse and getting cast in a movie like this. Peter Sarsgaard was excellent as Chuck Lane--he has such a no-bullshit kind of face. I couldn't tell where it was actually filmed but it takes place in DC and looked it, I was happy to see. Even the interiors (DC townhouses have a very specific feel to them) looked authentic. What a piece of shit Glass was. Him and Jayson Blair--bragging, loud, smarmy bullshit peddlers now trying to profit off their misdeeds. "It's not my fault...I didn't do anything wrong...I'm more sinned against than sinning." Loser assholes, the both of them.

We practiced the Twelfth Night scene last night. I'm having a lot of fun with that--Tracie and I have a good rapport.

Julie sent out emails to everyone in the showcase, saying it was going up again in January for the Winter Midtown Theater Festival. I said yes. So I have work through January.

Peter is coming to the matinee (?) on Saturday.

Duncan posted about some guy at our matinee on Saturday who apparently went into a diatribe about how bad our space was, and how we should've chosen some other space. Whatever. Opinions = assholes, everyone's got one. Put on your own goddamn show then, no one forced you to see this one. There's only so fucking much I can anticipate and nail down ahead of time and there's a fine line between offering helpful feedback and just being shitty and/or negative. Appropos of that, apparently Letty will be in the showcase again, about which I'm happy. She had a great attitude--I'd love to direct her in something. Maybe in Midsummer--I'd like to read her as Titania.