Do I wake or sleep?

At our chocolate-infused convo on Saturday, Michelle and Lori also mentioned something I hadn't known before--Julie's cancellation of Macbeth had nothing to do with money, or any sort of health or family emergency or anything like that. Are you ready for this?

She said she wasn't going to put on a show where she looked bad, where she gave a bad performance.

Yep, you heard it here, folks. It was All. About. Julie. Juliejuliejulie. She spit on the hard work, love and dedication of some 20+ performers, techs, a director, etc. All because she was going to look bad,* in the part she cast herself in (and hadn't learned the lines for yet).

And by the way, this was all confirmed by Michael, our SM. I had a long, illuminating convo with him last night. He also said that the theater is FULLY PAID FOR--so she didn't save any money by cancelling the show. She paid thousands of dollars for an empty theater, plus she still has to pay the director, the fight choreographer, the photographer, etc. She is committed to ALL of that expense. And she still cancelled the show. My mind was reeling--in fact, I was literally reeling when Michelle and Lori repeated what Julie had given as her reason. I stood up in my chair and said "Wait, wait--you're telling me this whole mess was about her performance?" I was jumpstumbling backward, waving my hands, so angry I couldn't speak for a few seconds. After Wednesday, I didn't think I could get any angrier--I was wrong.

*Michael said they'd had a photo shoot Tuesday, the night before the boom fell, and it was weird. Julie, in the photos as Lady Macbeth, insisted on looking "pretty." Insisted on it, got very upset when Catherine said that wasn't as important as, you know, communicating the essence of the play. Julie is really messed up about looks--Tracy and I also joke about how Julie would fawn on me and talk about my looks in this weird, you-look-like-the-classic-shiksa-so-by-definition-you-MUST-be-beautiful way. I don't mean *I* think that--I think *Julie* thinks that, I think she has the classic self-hating Jewish stereotype going on. Last fall she talked about wanting to convert to Episcopalianism. Not because she has any particular pull towards it--I don't think she has the slightest clue of what our belief system entails. She wanted to convert because Episcopalianism treats women well. She thought Judaism devalues Jewish women and seems to exalt shiksa women (HER words, NOT mine)--she gave as an example the fact that at her temple, she keeps seeing Jewish men with non-Jewish wives. I didn't even know how to respond to this, especially because I get this sense she thinks of my denomination as one big country club where the Beautiful People all sit around and sip martinis and eating pate. Julie, there are actually some beliefs involved, and it would be nice if you wanted to join us because you too believe in them. It sucks if you feel devalued where you worship, but I don't necessarily think that has anything to do with Judaism per se. Tracy hit it on the head when she said mockingly "Oh Clara, if I convert to Episcopalianism, will I look just like you?"

And of course, Julie still hasn't contacted any of us individually since that glib email she sent out Wednesday. Hasn't apologized, hasn't tried to explain (not as though she could), hasn't sent us checks to cover our expenses (although she will have to do that for the Equity actors, at least). Michael said when he called Clare Patterson (our sweet little Baby Macduff/Fleance), she was completely crushed; she said "this was my first New York show..."

I can't say I hate Julie. I will say, I have nothing but contempt for her now, and I have no sympathy for her writhing mass of insecurities and weakness and...garbage.

But--this too shall pass. I have other plans; Macbeth will go on.

Susan and I were talking on the phone last night about the arrangements for tonight. Somehow the story of our first NYC email exchange came up, which goes like this: Susan and I had done many shows together down in Virginia, she as a dancer, I as a singer. Eventually she started getting dance gigs in more exotic locations--I believe she first went to Japan in 1995. I had her address for awhile and somehow lost it amid MY numerous moves (moved in '94, '95, twice in '97, big-ass move in '99 when I accepted the cruise ship gig, THREE TIMES in 2000...). A mutual friend of ours gave me her current email, saying she lived in the city. I emailed her, asking where she was living, and she replied with the subject line DID YOU KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD VAS TAINTED? (She and I give each other shit about how representative we are of our respective ethnic groups. I am Aryana; she is the classic JP.)

From there the conversation went to the book I read last winter, The Jews of Prime Time, and the parlor game of "Is s/he or isn't s/he?" According to the book, Rachel Green on Friends has not definitively been established as Jewish, although there are clues given that hint at her being so including her name (the book says Green is a classic "ISOIS?" name and of course color names--Rosen, Schwartz, Black--are often Jewish). Which got me to thinking--I wonder if anyone ever wondered that about me? My mother once told me that Grandpa Butch (my dad's dad) sometimes got asked at Princeton, but as far as I know (and we can trace it back pretty far), the Greens have been WASPs forever. I told Susan I'd LOVE that if someone...maybe...wondered...is she or isn't she? I'd love to get some of that attributed ethnicity. I'd kick ass if I had some Russian Jewish blood. I would be strutting all over the city. Hey! I fucking ROCK with my Jewish ancestry!

I won't put down my Northern European, Christian ancestry--I'm proud of that too. But how cool would it be to have something a little different in there?

I think I have the opposite of the Helsinki syndrome. But I love my name now.

The Shakespeare showcase is tonight. Duncan, Jason and Paula will be there--yay! There's a champagne reception afterward and then I'm sure we'll get something to eat nearby. I love performing in the Village; I feel very close to the spirit of my grandmother.

Julie said last night that she wants to do The Last Night of Ballyhoo, which is fantastic. I'll be playing Sunny and I think Julie wants to play Boo. I really like this play. I seem to be drawn to what are generally regarded lesser plays by great playwrights--for example, I passionately love The Crucible, which is not considered the great work that Death of a Salesman. Uhry's work is so interesting--who would've thought a whole body of work (Ballyhoo, Driving Miss Daisy, Parade) could be written about Jews in the South? Who even knew they existed? I love Judaism and have Jewish relatives, and even I didn't know there were so many Southern Jews.

I was talking with someone at work today who's Jewish about how very assimilated the family is in Ballyhoo. I couldn't understand how people who self-identify as Jewish could not know what Pesach is, or its attendant traditions. Sunny has a line, talking about the big party--"Ballyhoo is asinine. It's a bunch of dressed-up Jews sitting around, wishing they could kiss their elbows and turn into Episcopalians." And I wonder, why can't they? It's your belief system that makes you an Episcopalian (not a WASP--that's a certain kind of Episcopalian), not your ethnicity. But Katie said being Jewish is more than a belief system, it's a culture which I get but isn't all the cultural baggage attached to the religion? If these people don't really know what Pesach is, they probably don't cook much kugel or gefilte fish. Or maybe they do--the whole mindset is just amazing to me. I think a lot of it can be explained by the time and the place. Even now the South is very conformist, and the '30s were so much more so, even in a sinister way. Even other Christians such as Roman Catholics stick out in the South (read Pat Conroy for more on this) and Episcopalians--well, they don't exactly stick out but they're not the mainstream the way hardcore Protestants are. (Virginia and New Orleans are the exceptions to this--RCs are very prevalent in NO, and Virginia is Hunt Country USA.)

Such a cool play. I'm really happy we're doing it.