Greedygrabbygrubbers

[ceebeegee]

Yesterday in Slate, their advice columnist responded, again, to the question of whether a bridal couple should ask for money.

Oh my God. I can't begin to say how completely tacky I think it is to ask for anything, much less money. I just shudder. I know many people give money which bothers me enough because it puts a financial value on what you're giving, in addition to making people who can't afford to give much feel like shit, because of course the couple are going to notice right away who gave more, and less. But to ask? To expect it? I don't have a problem with gift registries as long as they're discreet--not included with the wedding invitations. But money? Too, too tacky. Why don't I just skip the wedding entirely and send a check? That's what you really want, isn't it? I remember one snotty bride writing in to Carolyn Hax saying "if you're invited you have to send a gift, even if you don't go." You have to send a gift? Fuck off, greedy person. Get your hands out of other people's wallets.

This was great:

Good thing times have changed. Most ethnic traditions include monetary gifts at a wedding. In fact, any other type of gift is out of the norm. "Physical" gifts are usually presented by the family IN ADDITION to a monetary gift. I come from an upper middle-class, well-educated family, and we have never gone to a wedding that has not been this way.

Um, not my ethnic tradition. People in the South would faint if people asked for money. And justifying something by claiming to be from an "upper middle-class, well-educated family" is pretty transparent--your argument should speak for itself. My family would disown me if I asked for money at my wedding. And if we're going to get snotty, my family is descended from a Signer. "Times have changed..."--the standard for every attempt to hijack etiquette to suit your own urges.

This was the best:

So they think it's "tacky" to ask for money? Well, we think it's worse to make people spend precious time getting gifts we don't need or want.

You're right! You're so right! So rather than impose, how about telling your guests no gifts are needed at all? Oh but wait, that would cut into your "take." And I love the reasoning of "we're older, we have everything we need already." Bingo. So, you don't NEED anything. Why are you asking for something then? Or rather, expecting anything? What is it about weddings that turn some people into grabbing, entitlement-minded monsters? Ugh. Just UGH.

Comments

[mysticblaze.livejournal.com]

I always thought that if you are invited to a wedding, your presence was the gift. Why invite people with whom you really do not want to share your special moment just to get something out of them? I would find it extremely uncomfortable. Also, any further gift should be left up to your discretion. If you are poor and cannot afford a gift, you should not be required or expected to provide one regardless of whether you attend the event.

I believe the tradition of gifts has something to do with the idea that women were property, and were given away by their fathers with enough possessions so that they would not be a financial burden to their new husbands. Thus, in order for the father to pass the financial responsibility that his daughter incurred to another man, the dowry had to be large enough to compensate for the potential husband's loss of freedom. Other family members would provide gifts to help the dowry grow.

As far as I am aware, nowadays most people do not adhere to the dowry concept in theory, but apparently they do in practice when they expect physical and monetary gifts. It is not an excuse to say, "this will help the newly married couple to start their life together without worries". Worries are a part of married life, and the sooner a couple learns to deal with them, the stronger and longer lasting the marriage will be.

Needless to say, I despise the money-grabbing, entitlement-minded mentality as well.

[jayspec.livejournal.com]

Well, as someone currently planning a wedding, I kind of see both sides.

No one invited to my wedding is obligated to send a gift of any kind. If they are invited, that means that we love them (or, at the very least, they are relatives we are fond of) and it was important that they be there to share the day with us, gifts or otherwise. We're going to register at a few places, certainly, to make life easier for those who want to send gifts, but we're certainly not going to mention it unless people ask.

That being said, we need money. We need to move in to a new apartment. We need to buy some new furniture. There will be a thousand little things we need, and we can't possibly anticipate it all on the registry. We'd like to go on a honeymoon, too. We're not wealthy, certainly, and I hope you don't think we're greedy, but if people invited to our wedding desire to send us money, we won't be turning them away. :)

[minstrel70.livejournal.com]

I think in some cases it comes down to who is paying for the wedding. Both weddings I went to this year were financed by the bride & groom themselves, rather than in the traditional way.

While cash or physical gifts should never be expected, I think it's polite and proper to give a gift that at least covers what the bride and groom have spent on your dinner and drinks.

That said, the latter of the two weddings was very expensive for the guests. Resort in Montauk, 2-night minimum at $140/night, rental car, mileage, etc. I certainly didn't go overboard on the gifts after all that, but the wedding ended up setting me back around $500 all the same...

[wonderpanther.livejournal.com]

As one who is married and read all the crazy wedding books a while back, I have this to add...

1) Money is a fine wedding gift and it is traditional to give money at a Jewish occassion. My understanding is that etiquette differs across religion and culture. You may not wish to put a value on attendance at a wedding but there is a known standard. Of course, no one "expects" it and no one should feel bad if he or she cannot afford the standard. Gifts are NOT expected. Presence is a gift. How do I know there is a standard? All the guests from the same geographic regions gave us the same monetary gift.

2) Gifts are not expected but they are given and are reciprocated. The most generous gifts came from the friends of our parents and were most likely given because my parents and Seth's parents have been generous with their children in the past. Also, every time my parents or Seth's parents attend the wedding of a child of their friends who attended ours, the parents ask me to look up what was given to us by their friends so that they can reciprocate appropriately. Originally, I had tracked only that monetary gifts were given so that I could write a good thank you notes. Both sets of parents asked that I record the amounts as well.

3) Although money is fine by my religion's standard, it is extremely tacky to ask for money or any type of gift. In fact, it is tacky to even tell people that you have a registry, unless they ask. Usually, the task of publicizing the registry is handled by friends and family, unofficially. Also, if the bridal couple is asked directly, they can divulge. Never should anything from the bridal couple make any indication that there is a gift expected or suggested. Even if no gifts are requested, someone else can carry the news, or you can add the line "Your presence is our gift" at the bottom. You are never supposed to let on that gifts are expected.

4) There are lots of gift opportunities that lead up to a wedding and friends can feel burdened and obligated. It is best to make sure that you want to celebrate with them, not burden them. At my shower, my brother (my master of honor) asked that no gifts be brought except a dish to share...the event was a potluck. At the shower thrown by the women at my parents' temple, the gift to me was a book of recipes, memories and advice that all the women put together for me. It was truly wonderful.

Well, that was more than I had intended to write on that subject.