As one who is married and read all the crazy wedding books a while back, I have this to add...
1) Money is a fine wedding gift and it is traditional to give money at a Jewish occassion. My understanding is that etiquette differs across religion and culture. You may not wish to put a value on attendance at a wedding but there is a known standard. Of course, no one "expects" it and no one should feel bad if he or she cannot afford the standard. Gifts are NOT expected. Presence is a gift. How do I know there is a standard? All the guests from the same geographic regions gave us the same monetary gift.
2) Gifts are not expected but they are given and are reciprocated. The most generous gifts came from the friends of our parents and were most likely given because my parents and Seth's parents have been generous with their children in the past. Also, every time my parents or Seth's parents attend the wedding of a child of their friends who attended ours, the parents ask me to look up what was given to us by their friends so that they can reciprocate appropriately. Originally, I had tracked only that monetary gifts were given so that I could write a good thank you notes. Both sets of parents asked that I record the amounts as well.
3) Although money is fine by my religion's standard, it is extremely tacky to ask for money or any type of gift. In fact, it is tacky to even tell people that you have a registry, unless they ask. Usually, the task of publicizing the registry is handled by friends and family, unofficially. Also, if the bridal couple is asked directly, they can divulge. Never should anything from the bridal couple make any indication that there is a gift expected or suggested. Even if no gifts are requested, someone else can carry the news, or you can add the line "Your presence is our gift" at the bottom. You are never supposed to let on that gifts are expected.
4) There are lots of gift opportunities that lead up to a wedding and friends can feel burdened and obligated. It is best to make sure that you want to celebrate with them, not burden them. At my shower, my brother (my master of honor) asked that no gifts be brought except a dish to share...the event was a potluck. At the shower thrown by the women at my parents' temple, the gift to me was a book of recipes, memories and advice that all the women put together for me. It was truly wonderful.
Well, that was more than I had intended to write on that subject.
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Date: 2003-09-19 09:53 am (UTC)1) Money is a fine wedding gift and it is traditional to give money at a Jewish occassion. My understanding is that etiquette differs across religion and culture. You may not wish to put a value on attendance at a wedding but there is a known standard. Of course, no one "expects" it and no one should feel bad if he or she cannot afford the standard. Gifts are NOT expected. Presence is a gift. How do I know there is a standard? All the guests from the same geographic regions gave us the same monetary gift.
2) Gifts are not expected but they are given and are reciprocated. The most generous gifts came from the friends of our parents and were most likely given because my parents and Seth's parents have been generous with their children in the past. Also, every time my parents or Seth's parents attend the wedding of a child of their friends who attended ours, the parents ask me to look up what was given to us by their friends so that they can reciprocate appropriately. Originally, I had tracked only that monetary gifts were given so that I could write a good thank you notes. Both sets of parents asked that I record the amounts as well.
3) Although money is fine by my religion's standard, it is extremely tacky to ask for money or any type of gift. In fact, it is tacky to even tell people that you have a registry, unless they ask. Usually, the task of publicizing the registry is handled by friends and family, unofficially. Also, if the bridal couple is asked directly, they can divulge. Never should anything from the bridal couple make any indication that there is a gift expected or suggested. Even if no gifts are requested, someone else can carry the news, or you can add the line "Your presence is our gift" at the bottom. You are never supposed to let on that gifts are expected.
4) There are lots of gift opportunities that lead up to a wedding and friends can feel burdened and obligated. It is best to make sure that you want to celebrate with them, not burden them. At my shower, my brother (my master of honor) asked that no gifts be brought except a dish to share...the event was a potluck. At the shower thrown by the women at my parents' temple, the gift to me was a book of recipes, memories and advice that all the women put together for me. It was truly wonderful.
Well, that was more than I had intended to write on that subject.