Greedygrabbygrubbers

[ceebeegee]

Yesterday in Slate, their advice columnist responded, again, to the question of whether a bridal couple should ask for money.

Oh my God. I can't begin to say how completely tacky I think it is to ask for anything, much less money. I just shudder. I know many people give money which bothers me enough because it puts a financial value on what you're giving, in addition to making people who can't afford to give much feel like shit, because of course the couple are going to notice right away who gave more, and less. But to ask? To expect it? I don't have a problem with gift registries as long as they're discreet--not included with the wedding invitations. But money? Too, too tacky. Why don't I just skip the wedding entirely and send a check? That's what you really want, isn't it? I remember one snotty bride writing in to Carolyn Hax saying "if you're invited you have to send a gift, even if you don't go." You have to send a gift? Fuck off, greedy person. Get your hands out of other people's wallets.

This was great:

Good thing times have changed. Most ethnic traditions include monetary gifts at a wedding. In fact, any other type of gift is out of the norm. "Physical" gifts are usually presented by the family IN ADDITION to a monetary gift. I come from an upper middle-class, well-educated family, and we have never gone to a wedding that has not been this way.

Um, not my ethnic tradition. People in the South would faint if people asked for money. And justifying something by claiming to be from an "upper middle-class, well-educated family" is pretty transparent--your argument should speak for itself. My family would disown me if I asked for money at my wedding. And if we're going to get snotty, my family is descended from a Signer. "Times have changed..."--the standard for every attempt to hijack etiquette to suit your own urges.

This was the best:

So they think it's "tacky" to ask for money? Well, we think it's worse to make people spend precious time getting gifts we don't need or want.

You're right! You're so right! So rather than impose, how about telling your guests no gifts are needed at all? Oh but wait, that would cut into your "take." And I love the reasoning of "we're older, we have everything we need already." Bingo. So, you don't NEED anything. Why are you asking for something then? Or rather, expecting anything? What is it about weddings that turn some people into grabbing, entitlement-minded monsters? Ugh. Just UGH.

Comments

[minstrel70.livejournal.com]

I think in some cases it comes down to who is paying for the wedding. Both weddings I went to this year were financed by the bride & groom themselves, rather than in the traditional way.

While cash or physical gifts should never be expected, I think it's polite and proper to give a gift that at least covers what the bride and groom have spent on your dinner and drinks.

That said, the latter of the two weddings was very expensive for the guests. Resort in Montauk, 2-night minimum at $140/night, rental car, mileage, etc. I certainly didn't go overboard on the gifts after all that, but the wedding ended up setting me back around $500 all the same...

[wonderpanther.livejournal.com]

Seth and I attended his cousin's wedding last year, which was incredibly expensive:
1) Airfare to Florida
2) Hotel
3) Tuxedo rental (Seth was a groomsman)
4) Gift

And guess what?
They announced their intention to divorec 7.5 months into the marriage.

[minstrel70.livejournal.com]

OK, you've trumped me there. No airfare involved.

I was a groomsman in the first wedding this year, and while I fully expected that one to be pricey, I was pleasantly surprised to find the groom had paid for the tuxes. Saved $125 right there.

He then proceeded to return from Jamaica bearing 4 fine Cuban cigars for me, gratis.

In hindsight, I should've given a better gift...

[mysticblaze.livejournal.com]

I can trump yours, Rachel. My attendance last year to a wedding in Bucharest, Romania:

1. Airfare to London, UK to spend time with the groom before the blessed event (x2, went with the ex)
2. Hotel in London, see above
3. Airfare to Bucharest, Romania for the actual event
4. Hotel in Bucharest- not many choices, since there are only two or three and the wedding took place at the most expensive one
5. Gift

The wedding ordeal set us back over $2,500.00 (not to mention incidentals, such as luggage being lost and having to purchase necessities, meals, etc.)

Our presence should have been more than enough. And why am I annoyed about this? The bride and groom had already had their civil ceremony a year earlier (we went to the religious one), and they have been planning from the beginning on obtaining a divorce (did not find out about this until after the trip). They only got married so she could stay in the UK indefinitely.

[wonderpanther.livejournal.com]

Damn! You should send them a bill!

[mysticblaze.livejournal.com]

I have considered it, but since this was the trip where I got the two roundtrip tickets from Virgin that I need to use by next February, that made up for a good portion of the expense.

Besides, I am not sure if the bride and groom would speak to me now. The groom was a close friend of my ex's.

[ceebeegee.livejournal.com]

Holy crap, Holly. Was it at least fun seeing Bucharest? I've always wanted to go there.

Some people have no shame.

[mysticblaze.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed what I saw of Bucharest, which unfortunately was not much. Since I was traveling with the ex, my range of activities was curtailed: the first night of our stay, we went to look for an art gallery where a small reception for all out of town guests (read everyone on the groom's side) was being held. As we were walking away from the hotel, one man accosted my ex to try to convince him to buy me an almost dead flower from his basket. It took that man 20 minutes to give up. Then, a little further down the street, a woman walked up to him, started touching his arm with one hand while making round motions around her stomach with the other, saying "hungry, hungry". That lasted for 15 minutes. Needless to say, we did not get very far from the hotel or to the reception, although we did make it to the dinner being held in the hotel.

I was not accosted at all, mostly because people think I am from Spain when I travel throughout Europe. My ex, on the other hand, looked American and was a constant target the 2 1/2 days we were there.

I should have ditched him, and done more exploring on my own.