Do I wake or sleep?

Tomorrow (Friday) and Saturday night I will be AWAY--my wonderful roommate Lori has graciously offered me the use of Kevin's (her BF) apartment for the weekend, since they will be away.

I will be BY MYSELF. In a beautiful apartment in SOHO.

With cable, cute restaurants nearby...neither of my beloved kittehs, sadly, but they know how stressed out I am. I'm going to run up directly after work and feed them LOTS of food.

I am so stressed out, I want to cry. I cannot wait until It is gone. I really need my space back.

If you can deny women birth control before the initiation of, shall we say, a personal relationship, if you can deny birth control ahead of time, if you can deny a woman emergency contraception at the time of a personal relationship, and if you can deny women abortion services after a pregnancy has become established, then you can control women. Because you will overwhelm them with parenting and child rearing responsibilities.Because you will overwhelm them with parenting and child rearing responsibilities.

You will be controlled. You will be subjugated. You will be marginalized. And when subjugation walks in, freedom walks out. Now what do I mean? That means gone will be equal opportunity in the work force. Gone will be equal education. Gone will be equal pay for equal work. Gone will be health care benefits. Gone will be retirement benefits. Your freedoms will be gone. Because this is not about babies, again. It's about subjugation of women by male dominated societies. It's no more; it's no less.

--George Tiller

We had a nice big house last night, packed with friends, including Michael, Tesse, Lori, Patricia, Paul and Tony. They weren't really guffawing but they were really into it--at the end of the hospital scene when the big "event" happens, I heard a gasp and someone else made a sound. And during the Xmas party at the big reveal, there was another gasp. AWESOME.

Patricia was so incredibly sweet afterward. She was saying some really nice things about how much she enjoyed how I played the part, how perfect she thought I was for it. (She said the girl in the reading last November was beautiful but you could tell she was not a model--she said it was obvious I had modeled. It's all about the popped joints and wrists, baby!) It turns out she knows Calvin (they both went to Oberlin) and of course she already knew Shawn from Thyme. I haven't seen Patricia much at all since Prince Trevor, I really miss her. I asked Duncan to write us a show where we can act together again--I said "like Sideshow!" Because we look exactly alike! Anyway I just love her, she makes being in a show a special thing because she's always so positive and fun, and I want to do another one with her soon.

Interestingly I think last night's show was a little distracted for me, and I usually give better performances when people I know are in the audience. I think it was a two-days-off thing. Some scenes were the best they've ever been (the hospital scene with Calvin, the picnic), some were a little off (the tete-a-tete with Sean at the end of the picnic scene). The hospital scene went very well indeed, especially toward the end--I allowed myself to...get what was going on, and react to it dynamically, and start to...push it a little.

Afterward when Duncan, Lori and I were talking, I asked Duncan if he'd based Tara on me (something I've always suspected, which makes playing this character weird--I feel sometimes as though I'm playing myself, like I'm being and not acting). Duncan said not exactly, but he'd used some things I'd said ("summer is my favorite time of year" and the stuff I throw at Calvin in the hospital scene, plus the whole blonde fetish thing) and had always intended for me to play the part. This sounds about right. Tara is more of a spiritual dilettante than I am, and less conventional. Although I've quite enjoyed learning about yoga--my flexibility really HAS been improving. I can actually grab my toes now. Go, me!

Saw the Star Trek movie--SQUEEEE! It is bleepin' AWESOME. I love everything about it--the story and script are great (and FUNNY--Kirk with the hands was killing me), the performances are really remarkable. VERY, very strong cast. It's so cute, it's like watching Tiny Toons with these baby-faces saying these lines (Sulu especially looks young). I have to single out Zachary Quinto who just completely rocked Spock. He was even sexy and I've always been a Kirk fangirl.

The opening sequence was heart-breaking.

I love how they showed death--how abrupt and horrible it was, when the crewmember was sucked out into space in the opening sequence, and (another death) the graphic saying "TERMINATED." That was quite shocking, actually.

LOVED the guy playing McCoy. Scotty was also terrific, and I've always been a fan of Zoe Saldana, ever since Center Stage. She's just so sexy and badass. And I happen to love Anton Yelchin anyway, so his Chekov was adorable. The best part of the whole movie of course, was the relationship between Kirk and Spock. They were just great together.

One quibble--there was certainly, uh, a lot of fraternizing going on--visibly. That's very un-Naval (Starfleet is based on the Navy). But what the heck, I liked them together.

And how AWFUL was that ship? Did that look evil or what? *shivers*

The whole thing had such an incredible joy and energy to it it was infectious. Very fast-paced, and I liked that. Oooh it was terrific! I have to see this again!

On ATC, someone posted about James Barbour, asking how it was possible that he hasn't stopped working even though he "plead[ed] guilty to two counts of endangering the welfare of a child." Quick update: The guy fondled a 15-year old girl on several occasions. It's a complicated story--apparently she specifically requested to meet with him and pressed charges a few years later before the statute of limitations had run out. From his fans' reaction, you'd think she signed away her virginity to the nearest bidder. The flood of fierce, indignant posts on ATC supporting him and excoriating her--A CHILD--was absolutely nauseating. Guys, a refresher in, oh let's call it pedophilia law. When there is sexual contact between someone who's underage and someone who's much older (Barbour was at least 20 years older--ewww! Nast-ay) the minor is innocent BY DEFINITION. Because a minor doesn't have the right to say yes. A minor doesn't have the adult sensibility to agree. This is why the burden of responsibility is ALWAYS on the adult. It doesn't matter if she stripped naked and threw herself at you--YOU are responsible if you respond. Because you're the adult. She doesn't have the capacity to say yes.

So, someone asked the question above. This, I think, is a worthwhile question--frankly I've been wondering about it myself. His career doesn't seem to have suffered at all--he did the lead in Tale of Two Cities (although it could be said that was a unique form of punishment!) and a few others, and is now in 1776 at the Paper Mill. I personally would not buy a ticket to see him--I had the opportunity to see 1776 with Michael, and would've gone if I could've, but not to see him. I would certainly never buy a ticket where I thought he was the headliner. I do agree with the reasoning that a person can pay their debt to society and move on--my problem is that he and his lawyer practiced a particularly "blame the victim" style of defense, wherein she was called a gold-digger. His lawyer acted appallingly. No, I don't want to hear that he was only acting as a good defense lawyer should. There are ethical and unethical ways to defend your client. Smearing the victim is despicable. Basically I just get a very slimey feeling from the guy, I strongly disapprove of his recent actions, and I would act on those feelings.

However I concede that others might not feel the same way--they might truly believe he has served his debt to society, or that he has a right to earn a living. These are valid arguments. What bothers me are the several posts that say, in effect "how dare you even bring this up?" Don't talk about it. This entire discussion should be nullified. "Talk about a topic that's been beaten to death..." and "Why is this still being brought up???" (Well, you responded, so clearly it's still relevant.) Somebody actually posted (it's since been deleted--ha!) "STOP YOUR VENDETTA. It's despicable. STOP IT." The hell? How is an honest question a "vendetta"? How about a respectful exchange of views? How about a thoughtful counter-argument? Oh, I forgot, one of the mighty heroes has slipped, a la Mike Tyson, Kobe Bryant and Roman Polanski, so the fanboys and girls have to rise squealishly to their defense and attack the girl in question. Boys will be boys, you know--that lying bitch was just after his money.

And in keeping with the earlier posts, someone just wrote "someone on this board has an animus against this performer....I might add that in our sex-drenched culture a calculating 16-year-old is not exactly a 'child.'" Lolita lives and breathes! That manipulative temptress FORCED him to molest her, she made herself IRRESISTIBLE. How could any man be expected to act like a responsible adult when a sex-drenched 16-year-old (ENNNNH! Wrong, she was 15. Thanks for playing!) put herself in his way, with her alluring, man-weakening ways. Those crazy teenagers. It's kind of fascinating, the moral and ethical contortions on display--anything to attack that gold-digging whore, anything to absolve the 40-year-old married man of responsibility. The responsibility he accepted when he pled guilty to the laws that make this a civilized country, as opposed to, say, Saudi Arabia, where children of 8 can marry.

If I were registered on ATC, I would post that as well. And I applaud the poster who had the courage to brave the fans. Because no, it hasn't been neatly categorized and resolved and tucked away. This case was just settled a few years ago, and if someone wants to bring it up, more power to them. I just love how we're all "oooh, sex offenders are sick individuals who should have to register and wear the scarlet letter"...until it turns out to be R. Kelly. Or Kobe Bryant. Or James Barbour.

Interesting article in the Times about women bullies in the workplace.

The article kind of goes all over the place--is it about bullying in general or women bullies or women targeting other women? Very interesting, and perhaps news-worthy, but I kind of dread it when article or books about female "aggression" come out. Of course it's a topic worthy of discussion, but then the floodgates open and everyone has to comment about how catty girls and women supposedly are, and how they're so competitive, and all women hate each other. Like this charming diatribe:

Women have NEVER been taught to work WITH each other. It s quite evident at the junior high and high school levels where they are competing for the same boyfriend. Backstabbing and rumor networking are a part of everyday life in school. Whereas boys have been taught in high school to work WITH each other as a team, as evident with high school sports and academia such as math and science. I NEVER liked working for a woman supervisor because they were as hard as nails. These experiences included name calling and insults. Women in management positions have always felt that they had to be equal, if not better, than their male counterparts. It wasn't until I went into the military that I felt I at least had a fair chance of getting promoted based on merit. When I got out I swore I would never work FOR a woman again and eventually became self-employed. Women have a LOT to learn if they really want to be corporate successes and it should start when they begin puberty. They NEED to learn to work together!

AAAAAUUUGH. The sheer idiocy--girls don't play sports in high school? Girls don't study math and science? (And does this moron really think science isn't competitive? Check out James Watson sometime. Or the jockeying for the cure to AIDS.) And what kum ba ya school did YOU attend where the boys don't bully but hold hands and play nice? Really, boys never bully? Never call another, smaller boy fag or loser? Interesting, I'm sure that's news to a lot of kids. Oh, and this gem, stated as though it's a female character flaw instead of an indictment on sexism: Women in management positions have always felt that they had to be equal, if not better, than their male counterparts. Gee, ya think?! Why might that be?

In 2002/3, the books Odd Girl Out and Queen Bees and WannaBes were published to a lot of attention. Sure, the phenomenon of girl aggression is interesting, and typically different from boy aggression (non-physical, shunning, etc.). But I think there's been almost TOO much attention paid to it--now every time something like this comes out, everyone has to chime in with how hateful girls are and how women all hate each other, often with a comment about boys deal with other differently (i.e., better), as though boys are somehow fundamentally more decent. In other words, to hijack the discussion into a vehicle for misogyny. It's like when mothers kill their own children--there's an outsize amount of attention paid to it, compared to when fathers kill their own children. (Male and female rates of infanticide are roughly equal by the way, although violent criminals in general are disproportionately male.)

The other day I was on Amazon reading the reviews and comments about the Judy Blume classic Blubber. (LOVE that book--"There was something about Linda that made them want to see how far they could go.") There was one review that drove me crazy--no fewer than three times the person blamed it all on the girls--"the girls gang up," "the girls' cruelty," "adolescent girls." The ENTIRE CLASS in Blubber humiliates Linda. Sure, Wendy is the ringleader but everyone joins in--that's the point. Everyone stops singing on the word in "Beautiful Dreamer," everyone forces her to eat the chocolate, Robbie pulls something as well.

Had a good rehearsal tonight. We stumbled-through the second half and then worked-through the first (I get there later than the others due to my work schedule). I am more off-book, and more comfortable, than I thought, which is a huge load off my mind. During the first-half work-through, I don't have much to do until the fourth scene or so, but I'm still on stage, so I was working different character poses. I was actually the one who suggested this--I assumed any time we were on stage, we should take that time to establish our character, so I was trying different poses, keeping in mind: my personality and interests, my profession (model) and my comfort (it'll hurt my back if I stand too long). Laura stopped a lot to work on stuff and at one point looked over to make a face of apology to me--I waved it off, saying "hey, I'm using the time to work on these poses." I also use my down time to increase my flexibility in these yoga poses, especially in my quads and hamstrings, which have always been extremely tight. I'm very flexible in other ways (decent arabesque, 180 turnout, although I will say it's not from my hips, okay releve) but very weird, specific areas of weakness. I think it's due to my years of soccer--I have fairly muscular legs, and the hamstrings have always been very inflexible. Trying to get them to loosen up has always been a painful process--when I was a sophomore on college, my roommate wanted to try out a massage technique on me and massaged a tight quad. The next day, I am not kidding, my thigh was literally black and blue. It looked as though I'd been beaten. It wasn't painful but it looked AWFUL, the coach refused to practice me. So since I started playing Tara, I've been doing research on yoga, and practicing the poses--and although it's still painful, I'm stunned to see my quads and hamstrings are actually getting more flexible. I can touch my toes, and am getting closer to doing a decent downward dog.

But back to rehearsal--during the first half work through, I was doing a bit that Laura had suggested to me, and I guess doing it well, because she, our SM and our dramaturg were dying of laughter. I have to credit Bart (my older brother), I was completely channeling him for the bit. And I had an idea about my final scene, something that would clarify a lot for me and for Laura too--something that changes significantly how we've been conceiving the end of Tara's journey. When I mentioned it to her and how to stage it, her face lit up. She said "that's lovely! Can we talk about this tomorrow?" I love proving myself to my director.

Needing cawfee this morning. Exhausted from my schedule this week.

I saw Billy Elliot last night. The score is a little weak--some numbers are really bland, like the opening one (so bland I can't tell you the name or what it's really about) but I loved the final miners' song, the hymn-like number "Once We Were Kings." It's quite haunting, the way they stage it and how the number develops. I also liked the folk song the father sings at the top of the second act. I may even get this recording (not a huge fan of Elton John's scores, generally).

The kid who played Billy (David Alvarez last night) was really, really good. I find it incredible that a young kid can be that talented--he does ballet, taps, gymnastics, is a credible, touching actor, and even nails the accent. And somehow they've found three of these kids, and more including the London cast. The kid who plays Billy's friend Michael was also great--what a little scene-stealer! Absolutely infectious energy, and extremely believable in his scenes, especially his second act scene with Billy. I also loved the little ballet girls (and how sweet is it that Michael listed every one of the girls in his review! I bet they were thrilled to see their names mentioned).

Michael asked me last night what I thought about one of the staging bits, a number where Billy dances with his future self and at one point the younger Billy is hooked to a harness to fly around literally. Michael thought it was too gimmicky--I liked it but couldn't explain why, other than to say I liked the metaphor. Later I realized why--it makes me think of why I enjoy hacking on a horse--because that's the closest I can get to flying. When I'm on a horse by myself, cantering or galloping across a field, taking a fence--it feels like flying and that's why it's fun.

I also really enjoyed the very grounded, realistic backdrop (the miners' strike in Northern England in '84-'85) of Billy's story. There's an incredible number in the middle of the first act where Billy's progression as a dancer is juxtaposed with the increasingly brutal tactics the police are using to confront the striking miners. It's a dazzling number, very cleverly staged--a theatrically staged number.

So we're in week 2 of rehearsals for Duncan's play Ore, or Or and it's going quite well. I really like our director, Laura--she's calm, very organized and always on message and on schedule, and gives great direction. At the first rehearsal she laid out exactly what she expected of us, and it's great knowing that. She explained she wanted us to warm up, voice and body, and to get there well before the actual starting time--I'm so proud, I've been getting to rehearsal 15 minutes early! This is very unlike me! :) Our SM, Julia, is also great--as it turns out, she is also a Lost Colony alumna, so we bonded over that. There are six cast members but four principals, so we rehearse together the most. I already know Shawn of course (he was Demetrius in The Thyme of the Season)--he plays Shawn. And the actor who plays Calvin is named...Calvin. And I play a character named Tara. It's a little synchronous but we're dealing.

As rehearsals go on, I like Shawn's performance more and more. He might not be the best reader, because his line readings are pretty slow at first, but as he gets more familiar with them, he really starts bringing it. He's also a very thoughtful actor, and finds the beats, and he is very open to suggestions. I just really like working with him. He has a scene with Calvin where they argue about exclusionary trends in the various Star Trek versions and the scene is just great, they really invest it with energy. Lots of subtext there! Our Calvin is also terrific--I have one epic (Laura's word) scene with him that is taking a good amount of work to find all the beats, and I've been getting a little giggly. (I can't say why--spoilers!) But he's great, and I think it's going to be one of the best scenes in the show. (I already think it's one of the best-written scenes--every line advances the drama.)

The fourth actor in our little quartet is Elizabeth who plays Debbie. She is pretty quiet and seems shy (doesn't talk much) but very sweet.

I'm enjoying mapping out my character's journey--it's more complex than I first thought. I do a lot of yoga in this play, which is very new to me, and not easy at all--my hamstrings and quads are not really that flexible and it's quite difficult for me to do the "Downward Dog." However I love the "Upward Dog" and the "Warrior"! I've been really trying to stretch out, and when I take a hot bath, it seems to help a lot.

I suggested to the other three today that we should get together this weekend to run lines, and suggested the Mexican restaurant on 8th Avenue (Cancun--mmmm, yummy margaritas in adorable cactus glasses) that inspired the Mexican restaurant scene in the play. They agreed--we're meeting Sunday evening for drinks, line-running and cast-bonding. I'm letting the other two cast members know as well.

I'm almost entirely off-book!