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Nice Guys
Thursday I was lugging home a bunch of bags--my purse, plus the L.L. Bean bag in which I normally carry, plus another couple of bags from shopping. As I entered the subway at Columbus Circle, I passed a guy with long dreads who was saying "Hey, Miss? Can I speak to you? Hey, Miss? Miss? I'd like to speak to you?" I just assumed he was taking a poll or something--he had that kind of "ultra-liberal volunteer" look to him (dreads, clean white tee-shirt)--and walked past him, intent on making it down the stairs with my four bags. As I walked past him, he started getting nastier--"have a nice day, miss [sarcastically]. Try to be a little nicer next time." This was all going in one ear and out the other--as I said, I had all these bags, so I wasn't really listening, and certainly didn't acknowledge him. He came to the railing to yell at me as I made my way down the stairs--"yeah, you could be a little nicer next time! It's rude to ignore people!" Astonished, I and about 4-5 other people turned our heads to look at this guy. I started laughing and just continued my way down to the turnstile. Dude--your game SU-UCKS. If that's how pissy you get when a complete stranger (in New York City, no less!) doesn't talk to you just because you decide YOU want her to, I can't even imagine how you are with a few drinks in you.
This brings me to my point--just because (you think) you're nice (and it's debatable about how "nice" it is to try to force your company on someone), doesn't mean the woman owes you whatever you want in return. Not a conversation, not acknowledgment--if you think she's attractive, it's possible other guys (or women! but I've never been harassed on the street by a lesbian :) do as well, and she may well be used to this. And more to the point, tired of it, even if it is "nice" as opposed to disgusting. Being nice or polite doesn't mean the woman has to stop and talk to you, much less anything else. She has agency, you know. And the whole "I'm nice, therefore I deserve..." Some guy posted on imdb "Why Do Good guys Never get Laid?" (yes, that was the actual title of his post on the message board) and I couldn't resist, I responded "because they whine about it?" Why do so-called Nice Guys have to advertise it? If you really want to be nice--i.e., decent, a mensch, a person who maintains a baseline level of courtesy--why not just do it because it's the nice thing to do? Instead of doing it so you can wave your Nice Guy flag and therefore get laid? Is it a tactic or is it who you really are?
This brings me to my point--just because (you think) you're nice (and it's debatable about how "nice" it is to try to force your company on someone), doesn't mean the woman owes you whatever you want in return. Not a conversation, not acknowledgment--if you think she's attractive, it's possible other guys (or women! but I've never been harassed on the street by a lesbian :) do as well, and she may well be used to this. And more to the point, tired of it, even if it is "nice" as opposed to disgusting. Being nice or polite doesn't mean the woman has to stop and talk to you, much less anything else. She has agency, you know. And the whole "I'm nice, therefore I deserve..." Some guy posted on imdb "Why Do Good guys Never get Laid?" (yes, that was the actual title of his post on the message board) and I couldn't resist, I responded "because they whine about it?" Why do so-called Nice Guys have to advertise it? If you really want to be nice--i.e., decent, a mensch, a person who maintains a baseline level of courtesy--why not just do it because it's the nice thing to do? Instead of doing it so you can wave your Nice Guy flag and therefore get laid? Is it a tactic or is it who you really are?
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Although I've never had the level of annoyance you experienced today.
If he were actually a nice guy, he would have at least offered to help you with the freakin' bags.
I mean, seriously. Why is it that some random guy on the street expects you to stop your day just because he decided to grace you with his presence?
And I will bet you dollars to doughnuts this fool walked away, justified in his behavior, like, "see? that's why I don't try that nice sh*t."
You're going to get me all riled up now. I need to go to bed.
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Because he's a Nice Guy, haven't you heard? Enormous chip on his shoulder notwithstanding.
I always want to say to these guys "see, now you've just proven to me I was right to ignore you, and have in fact reinforced my decison never to talk to strange men on the street."
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I think you should say these things to punks like that.
Unfortunately, and you know this, any response to that reaction can be construed as encouragement and just give him an in to keep talking to you.
Logic doesn't even come into it at all.
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Exactly.
Any good salesman knows ANY response is better than no response. Whereas if you just don't even hear them, they're not even worthy of a glance--that's much more insulting.
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Have you ever seen that Far Side cartoon "How Birds See the World"? (http://i2.tinypic.com/282nk7r.jpg)
Honestly, there are times when I think that's how certain men (not all obviously) see women--as walking targets to be hit at will. To grab, to talk at (not to), to force their presence on, to do worse stuff to. To score.
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And yes, after The Incident, Letham gave me some mace and I have it with me all the time.
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OMG.....I'm still laughing at that. I know the subject isn't funny, but that remark sure was!
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But you must have remembered my venting about that--it was when I lived off of George Mason Boulevard for like 8 months and I had to walk down--Columbia Pike, was it?--to get to that ice cream place. Baaaad thing to do in the summertime.
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It's gotten so annoying that I often think back to the empty streets of Indy with fondness...and I LOATHED that place in the end.
I indeed feel your pain. I can't IMAGINE how upsetting it would be if it was my ass they coveted! I seriously worry for you. I hope you've got some NASTY mace.
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It gets much more annoying when I place it in the whiny, entitled "How come girls always go for assholes? [translation--I'm nice, how come I never get laid? I deserve that for being Nice!]" context.
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But to my real point: since we've determined that I'm actually nice... how about a little chika chika bam bam?
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Oh, you Chika Chika Bam Bam
Chika Chika Bam Bam
We love you.
And our Chika Chika Bam Bam
Chika Chika Bam Bam
Loves us, too!
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