DVDs

I've been on a bit of a Kim Richards spree lately--two weeks ago I watched that classic '80s flick Tuff Turf and then this past week, Return from Witch Mountain (the sequel to Escape from Witch Mountain). Tuff Turf was one of those movies I never got around to seeing when it first came out--BOY, did I miss out! It is truly cheesetastic. James Spader plays this preppie who's fallen on hard times--his family has lost their fortune (hello, diversify your investments!) and has inexplicably relocated from snooty, private-school-infested Connecticut to....inner-city Los Angeles. He knocks heads with the head Baddie (the leader of a local gang) and of course makes eyes at Baddie's girlfriend, played by Kim Richards who inevitably ends up falling for him. And naturally he's just so charismatic he makes friends the very first day with a snarky sidekick, Robert Downey, Jr. If you're seeing a suspicious similarity to not just Rebel Without a Cause, but Footloose, you would be correct. (And I'm pretty sure they must've used the set designer for The Warriors.) In fact, to pound home the Footloose comparison, there's a scene where Spader and Richards go to a club where she busts out in this perfectly choreographed solo dance, complete with elastic straps across her ankles and a bucket catch at the end. I can just imagine her trying that in a real "punk" club, where she'd probably get the crap kicked out of her. I love me some Kim Richards--didn't we all want to be her, with that gorgeous hair?--but she is somewhat miscast as this tough gangster girlfriend. And I can't stop thinking about how long it must take to crimp ALL that hair (it's down to her waist in this movie)--every DAY? Please. I have long-ass hair and there's no way in hell I'm crimping it EVERY DAY, for school no less.

The best scene is when they crash the local country club (another '80s teen movie staple) and there's a montage showing them interacting with the preppies at the club. Olivia Barash, Richards's white-trash friend, is trading tips with the female preppies and she blithely asks them "you do swallow, right?" and they gulp and quickly nod yes. And then James Spader serenades Kim Richards with a ballad at the piano. Perfect.

Return from Witch Mountain is not nearly as satisfying--it's just bad. Of course the kids are great (Ike Eisenmann is back as Tony) and the idea is kinda cool--Tony gets kidnapped and is sort-of brainwashed to do bad things until he faces off with Tia--but it's generally quite bad. In execution the idea actually sucks--Tony and Tia come back to Earth for vacation. By themselves, to (again) inner-city Los Angeles. Does this sound like a good idea to you? Tia hooks up with this group of 7 dwarves gang of would-be juvenile delinquents who are unfunny and annoying. (Example--she is having visions of the gold rush exhibit where Tony is and she sees gold bars--she says "I see gold!" and they immediately drop to the ground and start scrabbling in the dirt. She says "I see a dummy" and they immediately point at each other. So lame and badly directed--unfunny Disney at its '70s worst.) And how in the hell they got Christopher Lee and Bette Davis, of all people, to agree to this crap, I'll never know. Drugs MUST have been involved. Or maybe somebody owed money. They're not very good either, but what can you do with a script this bad? The best scenes are when Tia and Tony see each other (when he's still brainwashed) because then the poor kid (Eisenmann) actually gets to ACT and show some conflict on his face. He spends virtually the entire movie zombie-faced, sandwiched between Lee and Davis. It's too bad--ETWM is a favorite of mine, both the book and the movie. I LOVED the book, reread it quite a lot as a child--the movie isn't quite as satisfying IMO, but still enjoyable. This just isn't a worthy sequel.